Hey, howzit. Trust you’re well.
We’re looking for influencers to join us on our journey to being recognised as the world’s best nut butter.
If you’re handsome, or attractive, and you’re on the same page as the Maasai on gender issues, and your pronouns can be found in a dictionary that’s older than 50 years, and you don’t drive a jaGuar, we’d like for your to be our ambassador.
Of course, we can’t pay you.
No, not even in free nut butter.
We would offer you jaGuar shares, but those won’t be worth much soon, so that’s prolly not a good idea.
“What does the job of a nut butter influencer entail,” asks the old lady in the back.
Great question.
Being an ambassador for the most prestigious nut butter ever created in upper central Jeffreys Bay by someone in the 40 to 50 age group after six PM isn’t too demanding.
You’d have to buy our nut butter, eat it daily in your pap, on bananas, in smoothies, on your broodjies, with your main meal, and possibly have a few spoons in your coffee too–although the jury is still out on that one–and tell the world what a wonderful nut butter Lush Yummy makes, and that the company is all for world peace too.
Furthermore, we’d expect you to wrap your vehicle in the Lush Yummy logo, yes, using the hideous Comic Sans font, and our mascot, Lush Lenny, flexing his muscles from your bonnet.
If you’re a real pal you’ll smear your vehicle with Lush Yummy so that, when you park somewhere, passersby can just drag a finger across your car’s body and suck on what is in our opinion a premium nut butter.
In fact, if you identify as a woman, maybe you can cover your face in our nut butter every morning, in lieu of wearing makeup.
That way, you’ll always have a sample ready for someone who’d like to taste test a phenomenal nut butter.
As you can see, we don’t expect too much. It’s basically just giving us your life in return for gaining the privilege of being associated with a nut butter so good, not even Comic Sans can break it.
We don’t want to push you to take on the position.
Think it through, and once you realise our product is amazing, get hold of Nickie, the nut butter Oompa Loompa, to order your first batch of nut butter.
And remember, this is not just a nut butter that tastes really good, it’s also a nut butter that’s good for you.
It comes loaded with all the good stuff athletes need for a run or cycle, or [insert endurance sport of choice here].
Actually, it’s made with only five ingredients: macadamia nuts, cashew nuts, coconut oil, salt and honey.
That’s all. And it’s all natural where it’s supposed to be natural, and organic where it’s supposed to be organic.
Our nut butter does not undergo a sex change. It remains in the state it came in. Unless you leave it out too long, in which case it could possibly turn into something different altogether; possibly a living nut butter monster that seeks to eat you, not you it.
Also, we don’t microwave our ingredients to melt them. We use water as a source of heat.
We don’t trust microwave ovens. Or we’re not sure if we can trust them, and we’re trying to make the most natural nut butter in South Africa.
It should be obvious that we’re genuinely committed to bringing you, our next esteemed nut butter influencer whom we cannot pay, the best nut butter in South Africa, bar none.
Welcome to the team.
You can stand a little closer. I won’t try to lick your face.