Last time on the Lush Yummy blog, where we write weird politically incorrect articles that few understand and none appreciate, we asked whether Lush Yummy nut butter is sexy enough.
We came to the conclusion that it might be beneficial to change the name by adding an -ique suffix, and throwing in a French edge.
Are any of those changes going to be implemented?
Not a chance.
Changing the name to something else, no matter how sexy, won’t sell more nut butter.
What’s going to sell more nut butter is the following: people finding out how good this nut butter is and becoming addicted, and those same people spreading their nut butter thick as tar every time they smear it on a broodjie. Or adding two massive scoops of nut butter instead of one tiny scoop to their morning smoothies.
I remember, as a child, watching toothpaste ads, which, to me, obviously indicated how to use toothpaste correctly.
Then a cousin of mine pointed out that toothpaste companies portray their products used in such a fashion to convince suckers like me to use more, which would require my mother to buy more.
That was my first lesson in marketing.
As can be seen by this blog post, I try to implement what I learn, by trying to show you that the right way to use nut butter is to use too much.
I’m convinced what will have the greatest impact on our bottom line will be to stick to making a legally addictive nut butter. Much like coffee.
So let’s just stop playing games here.
I’m not going to promise that Lush Yummy has a social responsibility to save the planet or end human trafficking. Nor will I promise that our ingredients are responsibly sourced.
(You’re welcome to believe companies who sell you the spiel of responsibly-sourced ingredients, by the way. Just don’t be naive, like someone who thinks Kamala will make a better president than Donald.)
What I’m going to tell you is that you’re reading an absolute weirdo’s blog post, but that that weirdo’s nut butter is exceptional, and that you should buy it.
It’s a great tasting nut butter, and it happens to be nutritious too, since it only contains raw macadamia nuts, raw cashew nuts, raw honey, neutral-tasting coconut oil, and natural salt.
That’s it. Nothing else.
And nothing is microwaved. Whatever requires heat in the nut butter-making process is given low heat.
The reason for that is not because it creates a more nutritious nut butter product, but because we’re not sure whether microwaving might damage the ingredients. We’re erring on the side of caution.
So buy our nut butter. You’ll prolly enjoy it. I do. So does the Oompa Loompa in charge of producing Lush Yummy nut butter. In fact, it’s his insistence that caused me to not give up on Lush Yummy.
Want to happify an Oompa Loompa?
Give our nut butter a bash.
Or not a bash. Give our nut butter a smear.
And when you use it, smeer hom soos teer. Apply it so thickly to your slice of bread that you only get two slices of bread per jar of nut butter.
Or if you use it in your smoothie, dunk at least half the jar of nut butter into that smoothie for a deeply satisfying experience.
For us, that is.
When you use too much nut butter (like that’s even possible, right?!?), we smile all the way to the bank.
And if you don’t like our nut butter, don’t buy it for yourself again. Buy it for someone whose tastebuds aren’t broken.